In one swift motion, everyone in a 20-foot-radius slid to the left away from Freddy as if instructed by DJ Casper. The pungent odor that radiated from him was enough to wake a sleeping giant, although it wasn’t the smell that forced people away. Instead, the true determining factor for the mass exodus from Freddy was the continual stream of obscenities that vacated from his gaping mouth, as two police officers shoved him onto the street. It was the fifth time this week, and the regulars of Smith’s were understandably sick of his shit. It didn’t matter though, none of them were heroes, so none of their opinions mattered to Freddy. So, after brushing off his red spandex, he launched himself into the air, and flew away.
When in the air, all those little people on the ground seemed as they were: ants. If he wanted to, he could kill them all in a blink of his laser eyes. Not that he would, but it brought him comfort knowing it was always an option. Those ungrateful fuckers, he thought, how many times do you have to save the world until you get some God damn appreciation? More than two-dozen, apparently, as that was how many times Freddy saved the world. How could they forget the time he stopped that meteorite? Sure, the tides may be gone now, and the night sky may be a little more boring, but did the earth get destroyed? No, so it doesn’t matter. And how about the time that he stopped the assassination of the president of the United States? Was that praised, or did everyone focus on the fact that he ACCIDENTALLY killed the president’s dog in the process? Nobody knew what it was like to be Freddy, everyone hated him for no good reason at all. People talk about racism, sexism, homophobia, all of that is bullshit. Freddyphobia is what grips the world and puts Freddy’s balls in a chokehold every chance they get.
Before Freddy could get his self-loathing started, a massive gust of wind swayed the buildings of the Baltimore Skyline, and a baby fell from a window.
“Jesus, help me please!!”
It was Freddy’s time to shine.
Swooping in from the sky, Freddy rushed down, catching the baby as he fell, cascading light shining through his partially transparent cape.
Looking down, Freddy caught sight of the beautiful woman who had lost her child. Irresponsible parenting aside, she was remarkable. Look at those fucking titties! He thought to himself. They were a mountain range of water balloons; big enough to have replaced the moon that was now absent from the night. Absolutely perfect in every way, and Freddy just knew that she would be so thankful of his timely rescue that he would get the chance to hit that all night long. She wouldn’t even need to check in on her kid, as if she was irresponsible enough not to secure her child during one of the daily windstorms, then she sure as shit wouldn’t be responsible enough to watch her kid while getting dicked down by the sexiest superhero this world has ever seen. Just the thought of it aroused him. He could feel his spandex tightening, as his bulge no doubt stood impressive against the horizon, taller than even 414 light street, where he lived (in the most expensive unit). Despite his excitement, he knew he had to take his time. A good superhero always slowly, and gracefully lands to the ground after saving the day, awaiting the applause of his people. As he approached the balcony of the big-breasted woman’s apartment, he accidentally lowered himself 1 apartment down below the balcony, missing his landing spot, so he rushed back up hoping to save face.
“Here’s your son, ma’am.” Freddy said, masking the slur of his words with a slight southern twang he thought may appeal to the quasi southerners of Maryland.
“He’s—he’s not breathing, oh my God call 911!!!!!” The woman cried, as she rushed into her apartment.
“Um, you’re-you’re welcome for saving the day, ma’am!” said Freddy.
“Yes, hello? The wind pulled my son out of the window, he’s not breathing!!!”
“I know you must be star-struck, being in the presence of the Super Dude!”
“But we don’t know when the wind will stop!!!!”
“Look, in most civilized parts of this country, its polite to at least address the person who saved your child’s life.”
“Okay, 2 inches deep, to the tune of staying alive, on the floor; got it!”
“Fucking listen to me!!!!!” Freddy screamed. The woman didn’t even look up, as she began performing CPR on her kid.
Freddy then kicked her in the face.
“Stupid bitch.” He said, before flying off.
Looking back one last time, Freddy saw the mother stumble to her feet, before she continued CPR as if nothing had happened. It was insulting enough that she wasn’t thanking Freddy with sex after saving her child, but the fact that she pretended not to feel that kick was ridiculous to Freddy. He knew damn well that kick had to hurt like a mother fucker, but she kept on keeping on like nothing happened, as if just to piss him off. That was it, no doubt about it, she did it just to piss him off. So, Freddy continued on towards his 5,000-dollar-a-month penthouse that he bankrolled entirely off the back of his crypto empire, and some monthly donations from his father.
Once he got home, Freddy kicked off his boots, grabbed a mostly full bottle of vodka out of his cabinet, and took a swig, before collapsing into his recliner, and falling asleep. He dreamt of a beautiful night with that beautiful woman and her ridiculous breasts. They were perfectly sculpted to the proportions of the sexiest of Greek goddesses. Maybe Aphrodite, he thought, yeah, she’s hot. Most bitches’ titties got flabby and gross after a certain size was reached, but hers? Woah daddy. After hours of the best, condomless sex of his life, Freddy had to take a break to pee, yet his stream wouldn’t cease, nor would the sensation of his bladder exploding. Soon, he noticed the continual sound of a siren, which got progressively louder. Eventually, Freddy realized that he was, in fact, dreaming, and woke up.
His head thumped to the beat of staying alive, as he used the glass of the empty vodka bottle as an icepack. He could have sworn he had more in the bottle, but it didn’t matter, as he could always afford more.
“Alexa, turn on the TV.” Said Freddy, as he let out a mighty stream of pee directly onto the floor.
"Turning TV on." Alexa replied.
“—his back was broken in 3 places, but the mother was able to resuscitate him with CPR, and he is currently recovering his Harbor Hospital. For more hard-hitting coverage of the DMV, tune in to WBAL TV 11 news at 11.”
He recognized the woman: Aphrodite. At least her kid was fine. Maybe I should pay her a visit, make my dream a reality? Freddy thought, before pulling his spandex back up, and making his way to the bathroom, where he took a swig of mouthwash. Walking back into the living room, Freddy tripped on some pizza boxes, and fell face first into his pee corner. Rubbing his now even more pained head, Freddy decided today would be shower day for the week. So, he removed his spandex with some difficulty, as it clung to his skin like cum on a sock and waddled his way into his marble shower. Turning on the water from his gold-encrusted shower head, Freddy flinched at the sudden cold of the water. Ridiculous that a penthouse he paid 5,000 dollars a month for with his hard-earned money couldn’t get him hot water the moment he turned the faucet on. No matter, he was a hardcore badass, and took on the cold like it was nothing, rinsing his body off, before slathering it with the finest soaps money can buy. He then turned the faucet off, and let himself air dry as he floated above the tub for a few minutes, before putting his spandex back on, and continuing his daily routine. Walking out of the bathroom, he tripped on the pizza boxes again, and once again fell face-first in the pee corner. Not going to give this shithole of a 5,000-dollar penthouse the satisfaction, he refused to shower again, and just put up with the slight scent of urine radiating off his gorgeous face.
Freddy grabbed the vodka off the floor, took one last swig, and launched himself from his apartment window. The intense winds pushed him off course, and he slammed back into his penthouse, shattering his kitchen window, as he knocked over his pots and pans on his way down to the floor. He had to wait for the winds to calm down before he could leave. Dumb science bitches claimed it was his fault, but he didn’t believe it for a second. With nothing else to do, Freddy turned on his favorite show, re-runs of the old wonder woman show, and zoned out, watching her breasts bounce in the tight-fitting spandex. He imagined Aphrodite in that outfit, and the excitement forced him to masturbate, which he proceeded to do for 3 hours, before the wind finally calmed down, allowing him to leave. Unfortunately, the sun had gone down, so he would have to trust Baltimore’s shitty nightlights to keep him from slamming into any more buildings.
After flying around, listening to the Joe Rogan Experience on his phone, Freddy saw a mugging in the street below. Freddy flew down to get a better look, and lo and behold, the woman getting mugged was his Aphrodite! Quickly, Freddy paused his podcast, before combing his hair with his fingers, and super-hero-landing onto the ground. It always hurt his knees, but it was worth it for the cool factor.
“Get away from the woman, criminal!” Freddy said in the deepest voice he could muster, which was all the same only a few decibels above the squeak of a field mouse.
“Oh shit, wassup Freddy??” Said the mugger, before removing his face mask, revealing himself as Freddy’s only fan, Jeromy from Smith’s bar.
“Jeromy! How you doing?” Freddy replied.
“Not bad not bad, just ‘boutta get some rent money from this bitch, maybe get a little pussy too.”
Aphrodite turned around, a look of shock and terror washing over her as she recognized Freddy as the man from yesterday.
“You…you paralyzed my child.” She said, her shock turning to anger, as Freddy noticed a black eye on her face.
“Oh damn, you got a kid?” Jeromy exclaimed, “I don’t feel good about this honestly, I’m just gonna leave. See you at Smith’s, ‘kay Freddy?”
“Yeah, see you Jay-Jay baby.” Freddy replied, before Jeromy stumbled off.
“I’m gonna call the police, you piece of shit!!!!” Aphrodite shouted, before removing her phone.
“Hey, let’s not be haste-y now!” Freddy replied, before yanking her phone, crushing it in the process.
“Kill me all you want, but you best believe I’m taking you with me.” Aphrodite replied, pulling a gun out of her purse, before she shot him 3 times in the chest, to no effect.
“I’m impervious to bullets. Super dude and all.” Freddy said, “now look, I know we got off on the wrong foot here, but I think you’ll find I’m a real catch once you get to know me.”
“You fucking freak!!!” Aphrodite said, before running off.
Freddy shot himself up in the air, and landed in front of Aphrodite, keeping her from escaping.
“Listen, listen—why don’t we get a drink, and introduce ourselves? You know my name is super dude, but I didn’t catch yours.”
Aphrodite proceeded to empty an entire can of mace into Freddy’s eyes, which once again had no effect.
“You better stop resisting me, I’m trying to show you a good time!” Freddy said, before grabbing hold of Aphrodite’s wrist until he heard a loud pop.
“Jesus, you broke my fucking arm!!!!!” Aphrodite screamed.
“Calm down bitch, I barely touched you.”
“Please, just leave me alone. I need to get back to my son, I’m worried about him.”
“Fuck that dumb fucking kid and listen to me: I’m a classy guy looking for a classy bitch to take to the bar for a drink; you are such a classy bitch, so shut the fuck up and accept my offer.”
“Let go of me!!!” Aphrodite began to struggle, before the police showed up, with the biggest piece of shit in the world in tow.
“Fredrick, let the girl go, and allow these officers to take you down to the station for questioning.” Said the so-called ‘Ultra Hero'.
“Fuck you faggot, I’m tryina’ get my dick wet.” Replied Freddy, as he tightened his grip on Aphrodite.
“I said let her go.” Said Ultra Hero, before he held up his hand, signifying he was about to use his telekinetic powers to choke Freddy.
“Fine, fuck.” Freddy said, before releasing Aphrodite. She screamed, cradling her wrist like the stupid kid she was so desperate to get back to.
“Thank you, Fredrick.” Ultra Hero said, before he teleported Aphrodite away to the hospital.
The cops then cuffed Freddy, and pushed him into their car.
“I hope this experience will remind you of the importance of the abilities you have been gifted, Frederick. The Lodge of Heroes is disappointed in you, and we are considering further action.” Ultra Hero said.
“Fuck off, fag.” Freddy said, as he presented his middle finger to Ultra Hero.
“Homophobic language will not allow you to escape the consequences of your actions, Frederick. I am warning you because of the friendship we once had, know that this is a kindness I will not extend to you again. If you do not improve your behavior, the Lodge of Heroes will consider you for termination.” Ultra Hero replied.
“Like I give a fuck if I get kicked out of your faggy little club.” Freddy laughed.
“You don’t understand; you will be terminated from existence.” Ultra Hero said, coldly, before tapping the cop car. As it sped off into the near-lightless night, Freddy couldn’t stop thinking about how things would have been different if he had never been born.